My birthday is coming up and it’s nice to spend a bit of time in reflection of my complete screw ups, and what I’ve learned over the last year.
The screw ups teach me more than the times that things are going along grand, I think that is the case for almost everyone.
Maybe focusing on what I’ve learned up to this point is a better plan, when you are only reflecting on a snippet of time, it seems uneventful, slow going.
One thing I’ve learned, especially through this blog is that very few people are going to be interested in what others do and say, and that in writing this at all I am only achieving cathartism for myself. I’m just not that important, In my humble opinion I think realizing that we’re not as important as we think is valuable. Who am I to offer advice, who am I to think I’m more woke than anyone else? We’re just not that special. It may sound self centered, but doing for the sake of doing, for self is all you can really count on, there will be a few that care, or maybe.even one. One is good. One is enough, even if that one is yourself.
My mother gave me the best advice I’ve ever received in telling me: ” you wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you, if you realized how seldom they actually do”.
So, I’ve learned to do for me and my family, and not to waste any time focusing on others expectations of me, opinions of me, or if they like me or not. It’s none of my business how others feel about me, if I have friends calling wanting to hang out, that is a good indicator that they like me. I hang with those people, I like them too.
Less is more. I can count on one hand the people who are important to me, maybe both hands if I’m adding family. I’m happier now than ever, quality not quantity serves me well. It hasn’t always been that way. It’s better, at least for me.
Learning to say no, and learning to ask for help. I’ve been pretty much on my own in this life. I have been in the self inflicted role of being the ultra responsible one in my family, the drawback of this is that I don’t give myself permission to screw up, I don’t give myself any slack at all, and others have come to expect this of me. In their expectations there are times I’m taken advantage of, I am learning to say no. I am also learning that it doesn’t mean I’m weak to ask for help, people in my life are willing to help me, but are also taken aback when I need something, I’m going to continue to work on both of these things.
Paying no attention to attention, and letting pretty go. This year has been good for me on this one. Everyone needs attention sometimes, I do too, but I’m realizing that as I get older physical attention..just being with others, having fun, means much more than the compliments I’ve searched for in this life. I’m better able to boost myself up through self talk, instead of exterior stimuli. I’m accepting that my body isn’t going to ever work/react/appear like it did when I was 20. I’m ok with this. It’s comforting to feel good in the skin I’m in.
Liking getting older. I don’t think that anyone likes being closer to death, but I am enjoying the freedom and peace that comes with maturity, accepting myself, and not giving two shits about unimportant time wasting things. I like that “stuff” is becoming less important, and love is becoming the center of who I am. Love for family, friends, self.
I made a few glaring missteps this year with finances, I hurt a few people I love with not choosing my words carefully. I have made amends, and working at getting back on track..now to try not to be perfect, and to cut myself a break occasionally, maybe next year I can write about how I’ve accomplished that.
That’s all I’ve got today. Happy 49th to me, I plan on eating whatever I want unapologetically, and being with the people I love. Cheers.