Father’s Day sucks. My husband says not to pay any mind to some made up greeting card holiday created by Hallmark. I try.
I celebrate the father my husband is to our kids every day, I feel so thankful and blessed he is there for them. He is involved, and that’s more than I can say for the asshat that helped create me.
My biological father was a terrible person. My mother was 15 when she got pregnant, and he was 18, they married and managed to make it work for 2 months. On my 5th birthday he pulled up in front of the house threw a five dollar bill out the window and drove off. I didn’t hear from him but a couple times after that. The word is that he has something like 6-8 kids he never took care of. I have some issues. Abandonment issues, anger issues, and I spent way too much time wondering what was wrong with me.
The man in the photo at the top of this post is my dad. Tom and my mother met when I was 6 months old. He did his best to fill the bottomless pit of abandonment I felt. He was a good father to me. I adored him, idolized him, did anything and everything to get his attention. He talked to me like I was a human with intelligence. He taught me so much about being an accepting person, that judgement should not live in my heart, he spurned on a passion for music in me that lives to this day. I am so grateful he was in my life. He made me who I am. He was my dad, the only one that counted.
My parents however, we’re addicts. My dad hid it so well that as a child I hadn’t a clue. My childhood was decent, we were hippies, we lived in communes, surrounded by love, peace, and music. My parents fought like devil’s, but I never doubted their love for one another, or for me.
My dad died of an overdose in 1998. I can’t seem to find my way. I am angry. I may always be angry. I miss him so bad.
My biological father died a few years back of cancer. I felt nothing. I did try to let him know I forgave him for abandoning me, in a phone call, he told me he didn’t need my fucking forgiveness and hung up on me. He couldn’t even give me that. Some people aren’t meant to be parents.
So, here it is, Father’s Day and I am an orphan. Someday I hope to find peace. I am working on it, but today I say Dear Hallmark, kiss my ass.