I can’t cry anymore. I’m becoming colder and harder and numb. I am broken. I am am depressed. I am a statue. I can’t cry.
I don’t think that it is normalization. I will never get used to the violence, the hurt, the hatred that has been exposed more and more over the last several months. The fact that I ever thought it was any different now shames me.
I am ashamed of my clear cognitive dissonance of the past. Washing dishes, paying bills, tickle fights with my partner, walking through life as if my own persuit of happiness was moving along nicely, as the world crumbles, and people divide over invisible lines.
It is unbearable the lengths human beings will stoop to to simply feel superior to others. The rich feel superior because money, over paper, over an inanimate object. The most privileged, deny privilege, but trip themselves up with their own words. Human rights are trampled by people who don’t realize it’s effecting them as well. Wars against others for all eternity in a perpetual bigger dick contest are never ending. Its all so sickening and sad.
I feel a sense of doom for the human race.
This morning I wake up to news that some terrorist in Las Vegas shot and killed a bunch of people attending a concert. What the fuck is the matter with humans.
Every day it is a another disaster, hurricanes, earthquakes, shootings, war, pain, and a man at the top who’s cruelty knows no bounds.
It’s hard to not be depressed to the bone marrow. I want to escape. I want to find a small, kind, peaceful place on this planet where people are just people, where love and kindness is the rule, not the exception. I am sinking. I am heartbroken.
I can’t cry. Why can’t I cry? Is there a crescendo of pain and numbness when you simply short circuit and become a frozen nothing?
My eyes are like the backs of thumb tacks, my heart is in a dumpster. I feel helpless.
Prayers aren’t fixing anything.
I’m making calls, I’m sending letters into the won’t make a difference void. My attitude stinks.
My ability to say “tomorrow will be a better day”, is wavering…every day is a fresh new hell right now.
Today I sleep. I knock myself down with over the counters, and yes, I realize how privileged that is. The ability to escape is always just that.
Tomorrow I’ll throw my leg over a new horse and fight the good fight. Today…not so much.