I like to watch people interact, friends, lovers, siblings, strangers, children, parents, people with their pets, everyone. I am fairly certain this is a worldwide introvert past time, I have always felt a little alien, maybe I’m studying in order to acclimate myself to people hood, I hear narcissist do that too…
Relationship dynamics are odd to me, all except my own I suppose. I watch not to judge, but to get more of a sense of how people work. There seems to always be someone who is in charge, the alpha. No matter what relationship it is I notice power struggles, I also observe relationship killers, I swear to you I have called it on 1000 occasions…I know 6 months before the people in the actual relationship that it will end.
So in my head I have written a little list of what I feel are relationship killers, clearly if it’s a mother daughter or sibling relationship you’re not going to be able to escape, but by relationship killers I also mean things that keep people from being close, and having positive interactions instead of soul killing ones. Side note: this is not advice, just personal opinion.
Jealousy: you own no one but yourself, jealousy is your problem not the other persons. I also believe that we create what we fear. The fact is that no amount of due diligence will matter if the other person wants to be unfaithful or disloyal. Jealousy is a waste of time just like possessiveness smothering another person suffocates them eventually.
Bad listening: my grandmother used to say ” you have two ears and one mouth for a reason”. I’m not a fantastic listener, my brain is too busy thinking about my retort, it causes trouble. Human beings I think have one thing in common, we want to feel special, important, and valued..if you’re not listening you’re ignoring that part of your partner..no matter what the relationship..it’s hard. I work on this daily.
Disrespect: belittling people you love in front of others is gross. Sarcasm towards your partner in public is gross, why not skip all that and just tell them you don’t give a shit about how they are perceived by others, and their feelings mean jack to you. Wondering why another person never wants to go out with you? Maybe it’s because you’re more intent on pumping yourself up by belittling them than hanging out.
Neediness is pretty annoying too if you ask me, if you never have any alone time because your friend, partner, etc. Needs constant attention, my bet is you’re miserable. Everyone needs space. Everyone needs time alone.
Addiction and baggage: Two broken people don’t add up to one healthy person. It is my humble opinion that only working on our own crap and coming into a relationship as whole as possible is the best route, and certainly supporting your partner while they hash out their demons is awesome, but we can’t fix others.
Screaming at your partner: the best way to end a productive negotiation is to lose control, you’ve instantly lost. Respect, empathy, and willingness to change usually goes a bit further in my experience. Plus if you have kids screaming and yelling fucks with their sense of stability. If you must scream go to the garage alone, scream it out, and start again. Works for me anyhow.
I have no reference point besides my own relationships and observations, so I’m clearly not an authority, however I’ve been in the relationship with my partner for 35 years, so I do feel like we’ve done something right..that something is realizing that we’re two separate people who are free to live our lives as we wish, with no expectations, no rules(we’ve chosen not to be unfaithful, some people negotiate an open relationship..that doesn’t work for us), no permissions, just mutual respect and the ability to be 100% ourselves. It works for us. I think that all relationships benefit from freedom, no matter what the dynamic. I believe that in any partnership we should have more freedom, and the ability to be exactly who we are.
On a side note: on Relationships with pets, if you’re unkind to animals, you’re a shitty person, not much observation needed for that one😉