My 14 year old nephew has been with me for about a month.
Today I dropped him off for school and as I watched him walk in, hoodie pulled up, small, less confident than then the kids around him, beautiful, and with so much of his story in his walk, I was overcome with love. I cried all the way home.
I am angry. My sister who hasn’t seen her son in over five years is an addict, he is protected from her, it hurts him.
He pretends it is no big deal, but I know that children have an uncanny ability to blame themselves. Does he blame himself? Does he think she chose drugs over him? Does he tell himself if only? If only I’d been better..if only I’d been quieter..if only I’d been cuter..if only I’d been smarter…? I told myself these things as a child when my parents divorced, I carried blame. I think most kids do.
I want everything for him. I want him to live in a cocoon of joy, love, and peace. I want him to feel powerful, unbreakable, invincible. I want him to live as if his story didn’t start out so shitty.
He has some healing to do in this life, I see his scars. He tries to hide them but they are blaringly present.
The family he has loves him so much, is it enough to offset the abandonment he has delt with?
I loathe drugs. I despise addiction. I am disgusted at their presence in this world, yet, I still love my sister, I still have hope, I still beg the universe to take away her sickness. I think though, her son will never forgive her. He has stated as much.
I am conflicted. I am angry she is an addict. I am angry she walked away from her only child, a child that is beautiful and sweet, and is my world right now. However, I’m glad she walked away, her addiction is poison. I wish I didn’t know who she really is inside.. she’s sweet, and kind, funny, and so so bright. I miss her. I hate her.
My only choice is to keep loving him through whatever hurt she’s caused. I am, after all the only one who can tell him the good parts of her, and how I see those good things in him. Someday he might want to know. Until then my cup runneth over, I am filled with love for this little amazing human.