Adventure, Explore, Fear, forgiveness, freedom, happiness, healing, honesty, Ireland, living, Mental health, mentalhealth, power, rape, reflection, Social anxiety, Solo travel, strength, Survivor, Travel, Travel blog, Travel blogger, Traveling, truth
When I decided to start this little blog I decided beforehand that I was going to be honest. I would hide nothing. I would no longer be ashamed of my fears. I would lay myself bare in spite of the judgement I so feared. How honest should you be when blogging? What do you hold back? Do you Paint a pretty picture to appease the family who are reading this? Do you let strangers open the door into your head and shuffle around? This is supposed to be a blog about a girl with social anxieties navigating her way through to freedom from those anxieties, but how did I get here? What could I share to say BLAM this is how I am who I am?
I have an app, a little neighborhood thing.. Who’s selling what, crime in my area and whatnot. Yesterday someone posted a little blurb on a company who’s owner had died. The man who died had raped me when I was 16 years old. I hadn’t thought of him in a long while. I’m not sure if this was forgiveness or self preservation.
How did I get here? Did this person change me to the point of being terrified of the world? Have I let him rent space in my head without my own permission? Is this why I’m terrified of the world? Honestly I’m not sure. Maybe.
I know one thing for certain, without a shadow of a doubt I did nothing wrong. I was not to blame. I forgave myself instantly, but did I carry that fear? Do I carry it still? His obituary shows a lovely picture of a father, a business owner, a good man. I feel for his children. To them he was just Dad. Maybe he wasn’t a monster, maybe he was just a fucked up teenager like most of our group was.
The timing is suspect, the universe is sneaky. I feel clean, I feel nothing, I feel healed, not because another human has died, I’m a believer that wishing bad karma on another is basically poisoning your own karma, but it’s over, that name will most likely not come up in my life again, and I’m good with that. The universe has said..This thing is gone, jump into the world without fear. I’m going to take it up on it’s offer, by saying yes to letting go.